What do you when your well behaved children turn out to be the exact opposite?
Today we had E&Ff’s parents evening, they are in year 8. Every single parents evening up until this one has been nothing but praise, they both work well, do good work are a delight to have in class.
This time was so far from the flattering reports I’ve had until now I was speechless. I sat there through each meeting being told they both do their work. Are getting decent results in their assessments but then came the negatives. E is very chatty, more interested in socialising. But Ff, Well what can I say? Ff’s behaviour in every single class is basically appalling. Time and again I was told that she was cheeky, to the point of being rude. She answers back. Neither of them take much pride in their work, often forget their books and have appalling handwriting. Their English teacher was especially scathing. I felt like I was the worst mother in the world.
The last teacher I spoke to was their science teacher. Ff actually isn’t too bad for her but being a science lab her class has the advantage of being laid out where there is minimal opportunities to chat with friends. I told her she was the lucky one and recounted some of what I was told. At this point I didn’t even realise she was deputy head of year, but I was so grateful she was.
Not trying to make excuses for her behaviour I tried to think of things that could explain why she is behaving this way. Ff has always struggled with her hearing. She is no longer under ENT but still has slight hearing loss and struggles in noisy situations. We also, in the last few months, found out that she has inherited Familial Hypercholesterolemia (hereditary high cholesterol) from me. She claims it doesn’t bother her. But maybe subconsciously it does?
This teacher told us that she would like Ff to want to change, to ask to be moved to the front, or away from friends. To take responsibility for her own actions. But if that doesn’t happen I can get in touch with her and ask her to do it instead. What I don’t understand though (but didn’t think about till later) is why they have waited until so late in the year to let me know there is a problem, I have had a couple of notes to say she was being disruptive in class but nothing that could have warned me about this. She has changed so dramatically since this time last year I feel let down that we haven’t been told the severity of the situation. As it is even though her work is being done and she should meet her targets for all classes apart from English. What if I was unable to go to this parents evening, for whatever reason, would I not have been told until this time next year? What will her grades have looked like then when her marks will affect her sets for GCSE’s?
Now I have to explain a few things about Ff, she is the master of back chatting, always has a cheeky retort for anything and is sarcastic beyond measure. She has very strong opinions, believes anything she thinks is right and will battle to the death defend her viewpoint. We have noticed an increase in the back answering the last few months at home and thought we had gotten it under control. obviously we were wrong. But we are her parents and she is a teenager, what else should we expect?
Obviously school is somewhere that teachers expect good manners and well behaved children, they have a classroom that they need to keep in check and have a right to expect respect. Any amount of sarcasm and back answering to them will be seen as rude, which it is! I am not defending her actions, but I can see how her mannerisms could really rub people up the wrong way as it does me!
I have been in tears on and off since last night confused as to where we went so terribly wrong and not quite sure how to tackle the situation. We have removed all phones, computers etc and they are grounded but where do we go from here? How can I make them want to behave well? It’s all well and good having a go at them all the time but that obviously hasn’t worked until now and natural consequences can only go so far, I can’t allow Ff to screw up her entire education just so she learns a lesson. E’s punishment will last less time due to the lesser issues but she also has major areas of improvement too.
So I’m going to go and dry my tears, try not to think about what a failure I seem to be. Any advice on how I can approach this will be gratefully received.
Firstly have a hug. You are parenting teens, that’s a difficult job. 1 messed up academic year is not likely to ruin their education. You and the school need to work together and in a team with the girls, you can and will sort it out
Thank you, I think raising teens is much harder than little ones! I guess out of any year, this was the best one to mess up on and we can start getting things back on track now x
I did poorly in school as a teen. Not talkative but really poorly academically. What I am not telling is that I have poor eyesight. Wearing glasses is not for me. I feel weird with them so I am struggling to see lessons.
It might be a bit different but same in some ways. Maybe just ask your children if something is bothering them. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. I have thought of this last week. I have so many insecurities with my parenting skills. But at the end of the day I only want whats best for my child.
Now that you know there is a problem I think its okay to cry but it is also a chance for you to tackle it. I honestly dont know how but its a start. But this is a real chance for you to help your kids.
Hope everything will turn out okay from now on. #pocolo
Thank you, parenting is hard! I think we all have moments where we question what we are doing. I guess if we really were bad parents we wouldn’t see a problem. We have had some good long chats but have also put our feet down and are being tough with them both at the moment. Still loving on them and showing them we are doing this because we care but quite strict too.
How awful to sit there and hear such things so late on! I agree with you, I would be devestated my self, and why on earth hasn’t the school felt it was in it’s place to let you know?? Surely if it was as bad as they were making it out to be in the meeting they should have said something! 😮
*hug*
I don’t know if it’s of any use to you, but I have a book called “How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Also I find this article very enlightning. 🙂 Hope you find some comfort in reading some of it!
http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2013/07/08/backtalk-is-communicationlisten/
forgot to put #pocolo!
I was told this has been going on all year, but I just had a look back at their interim reports we had at Christmas. They were actually pretty good, even their effort and behaviour were marked as good. I now have no idea what to think!
Thank you for the link, I will have a read later when the baby is sleeping and will also look into that book. I have heard the title, it seems like just what I need x
Being a parent is hard. Try not to let what was said get to you, easier said than done I know, but I’m sure you’re doing a brilliant job. Thanks for linking up to the #binkylinky
Thank you, I have calmed down a little now so am thinking a little more rationally. Yes parenting is bloody hard work!
I can completely and utterly understand how you feel. A few weeks back I found out Grace had bullied another little girl (I know Grace is only 7 but I was devastated..and disappointed and furious). We sat her down and spoke to her and tried to get to the bottom of her behaviour – I am not sure that this is of any help to you? Anyway, I hope you get it all resolved. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo 🙂 x
Oh, and for the record, you are NOT a failure xx
Thank you, this parenting business is hard and I’m sure it gets harder as they get older! Give me tantruming toddlers over teens any day! We are slowly making progress, the biggest problem is getting her to realise she has a problem. I hope you worked something out with Grace. I really feel for you, it must be really hard knowing that your child is bullying others.
You are not a failure, Your children and strong minded and spirited and that must be a challenge. But it is also a blessing. I’m sure it was hard to hear these things, but please don’t despair. My sister was very much like this at school and she has turned out just fine 🙂
Thanks for linking up with #BinkyLinky
Thank you, it’s nice to hear that your sister went through this and is doing well now. I’m sure they will too, even though I may have gone grey by then!
You are so not a failure as a mother.
Your daughters sound exactly like teenagers, testing boundaries and trying to find their place in the world, with hormones raging it’s no wonder they have changed over the past 12 months.
I’m a bit surprised the teacher is waiting for your daughter to make the first move, I always think the teacher is the one in charge and should set boundaries as and when.
I think many us, if we think back and are honest, behaved in a similar way at school, I think it’s all part and parcel of growing up. Setting firm boundaries and letting them know what is you expect from them is where I would start.
Amanda recently posted…Making Time
You are not a failure. I think we are all destined to fee like we are though – from the first year onwards we spend our time berating ourselves. But thinking back to my own school years I remember a definite dip in the teachers opinions of me at around the same stage! But the fact that you are so concerned and upset shows how much you care – if you really were a failure then you wouldn’t care! I think teens are like toddlers in many ways – trying to see how far they can push their boundaries.
Tracey Egan recently posted…Travelling with twins and the Art of Packing
Thanks love, this was last year and things have improved a little since then, thank goodness! I’m just hoping the start of GCSE’s will give them the kick up the backsides they need 😀 xxx
ps…#multiplemadness
Tracey Egan recently posted…Travelling with twins and the Art of Packing
You’re not a failure and I hope you remembered that pretty quickly! Parenting teens is so hard and I can only imagine how tough all this is going to be! I hope that things improved and that everything was resolved for the best. Jess x #multiplemadness
mummyofboygirltwins recently posted…Doing up houses and on the move
The teen years have to be the hardest of all the stages by far! Things have improved, I have come to accept that I have highly spirited young ladies and as long as they keep getting good results there’s not much I can do about some things! xxx