How to collect a urine sample from a toddler!

It’s 100% guaranteed that if you take your toddler’s nappy off and you dont want them to, they will instantly pee on the floor, your lap, or in your bed.

But that one time you need really them to pee on command? It is like getting blood (or urine!) from a stone. That is until the millisecond your not looking and they pee on the sofa of course!

So having had to go through this ordeal recently I thought I would pass on my tips, with a little humour thrown in for good measure, because, well, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry right? So here are my: You will need:

• A clean, dry bowl
• A  sample pot
• At least a half naked baby (preferably the bottom half, top half is optional!)
• Clean hands
• Some patience

Step 1
Place half naked baby in a comfortably warm room (you don’t want them to get the chills) give them lots of drinks to ensure maximum bladder capacity (the chances of you catching it all are minimal so the more the better!)

Step 2
Hold the clean bowl in the vague vicinity of baby’s waist, you will spend the foreseeable future kneeling and crawling around on the floor after your toddler so something padded under your knees would be helpful, kneepads, a gardener’s mat, some cuddly toy’s maybe?

Step 3
Occasionally spout phrases such as:

‘psssss’

‘Are you going to do a peepee?’

‘weeeeeeeeeee’

‘peepee peepee’

*these are best said in a high pitch cutsie singsong type voice*

Just to note that this step doesn’t actually help one jot apart from making you feel like you are actively doing something other than staring at you child’s genitals. You will find yourself involuntarily saying these even if you have opted to miss this step!

Step 4
Give more drinks and start pleading. For example:

‘Come on little one, just a teeny, tiny little pee? For me?’

You could also try bribery:

‘Shall we go and buy some yummy chocolate? Just do a little pee and we’ll go and get you lot’s of chocolate!’

*Again, not that useful especially when it comes to younger toddlers*

Step 5
At this point you will wonder whether your presence is putting your toddler off. Take a step back and give them space but DO NOT move more than a dives distance away (roughly 1.5 meters?) I call this ‘the dive zone’.

You should also try pretending your not interested in anything that your child is doing. Adopt the ‘whistling and looking anywhere but’ stance (but keep your eyes on the child when they are not looking at you.

Step 6
By this point you have probably been waiting upward of 30 minutes, over an hour if you are particularly unlucky. You will be bored, you will get lured into the plot of some random kids TV programme, you will get distracted by your phone.

THIS is when your child will let loose their almost exploding bladder full onto your floor, sofa, toys, whatever they happen to be standing on/near. Assuming you have stayed within the ‘diving zone’ you should be able to catch at least the last bit of urine before your child has finished.

Step 7
Try not to let your child put their hands in or grab hold of the pot.  Also be really careful when tipping the urine into the sample pot loose it down the sink an you will need to start all over again.

TIPS:

• These instructions work better if your child happens to have a penis. If not, it is a little more difficult but a skinnier container that reaches between the legs would work better, maybe one of those aluminium ones that you can shape to fit.
• Plan ahead and start practicing Elimination Communication as soon as your child is born
• If you have a solid floor such as wood DO NOT consider trying to collect some of the urine off the floor in desperation!
• Give yourself plenty of time, don’t attempt this 20 minutes before you need to leave for a hospital appointment.
• If you can’t hand the sample in within the hour it can be stored in the fridge for up to 24 hours.

Have you needed to collect a urine sample from a toddler? Anything else you woul ad to this list?